“It’s gonna end get over it”
These two phrases were thrown to me today in a game of “can you take it”? I caught them and observed …almost reacted like a “parent” and said “nahhh I’m hiking the AT, things are different out here”. So I suck up my knee jerk reaction and focus on a happier thought…which is not talking for a while. It was a tough week and yet an awesome week. I can never say a day is entirely bad out here…it’s just segments of days. I’ve been pre moon cycle for the week and it’s honestly tough. It’s the fourth one I’ve experienced on the trail and the pattern is consistent…kaleidoscope and I are more confrontational and we both cry more. Even though she hasn’t started her cycle yet…she seems sensitive enough to be linked up to my emotional state. It didn’t help that it was ironically the happiest week of my trail experience due to the fact we were hiking with our amazingly funny and talented friend Loofah….and had to sadly say goodbye to him due to a zero he needed that I couldn’t afford or manage. He was the best time we’ve had on the trail since Serpent …but his was even more impactful to me. He played G at night and exchanged guitar knowledge with me. He laughed and joked all the time. We played off each other and got goofy and I felt like myself…like the pure essence of myself being real and goofy and witty and creative. It’s why I came out here…to re-wild myself…and it was easy with Loofah around. We had a fun rhythm the three of us…fires in the morning, mellow wake ups and leave by 8. We all felt the importance of playing during the day…swimming when we saw water, singing the day away, napping when not even necessary, conversations were frivolous and fun then evening campfire confessions would open up the depths of deeper waters and expanding consciousness stuff that makes you happy to find kindred spirits who know how to really travel all over the psychic landscape. But then…”its gonna end get over it” echos into my mind and I spontaneously start to cry. I’m in the shower now, at an overpriced hotel thinking about it all ending in two months. Two months feels like nothing compared to the four months we’ve already been out here, and suddenly I can’t contain all the emotions about everything I’m feeling and all the experiences that have contributed to who I am now; the person in the shower crying nursing a pint of raspberry seltzer, lamenting my efforts to order dinner from three different places with no luck of food delivery. It’s been a mentally challenging week, but I love the trail. I don’t ever want to come home, even though I know “it’s gonna end” so I guess I’ll just “have to get over it”.